Dear "Jacob/Henry"

Dear Jacob/Henry,

There are so many things I want you to know, so many things I had planned on teaching you, so many things I had planned on doing with you. First of all, I want you to know that you are loved, as you are, for who you are. God made you perfect, just the way you are, and we love you so much, just as you are. I am so sorry that I will never be able to hold you, to kiss you and hug you, to cuddle you and have you sleep in my arms, content with a full belly and an even fuller heart. I long for the first time you would have been able to really smile AT ME, to look into my eyes and let me know that you know you are loved. I so looked forward to the day of bringing you home, of introducing you first to your Eastern European brother, and finally to all of your brothers and sisters, who so looked forward to having you home with them. We have your bed, set up in our room, ready for you. Your big brothers have argued with me that you should be in their room with them, not in mom and dad's room! Your sisters have been busy picking toys and clothes. Your teachers and principal next year have been asking many questions about your, when will you be home, when will i be bringing you in for a visit, when can they first start to teach you?? Even the neighbors have been asking, anxiously awaiting your arrival to our family, knowing full well that you are in our family already.

Then the news came last Friday, the 13Th. I've never been superstitious, and I'm not going to start now, but still...

Shelley had the difficult task of telling me that you are now home with Jesus.
It is hard to be happy for you, when I'm so sad for me, and for all of us. But, I'm trying, I really am.

I am sorry for you, too, though. I'm SO SORRY that we were not there earlier for you. I'm SO SORRY that you lived in a place for more than 5 long years that was not "home". I'm SO SORRY that you were not able to experience a mama's cuddles, kisses on your cheek and forehead, a papa's scruffy beard on your face or a "Jacob/Henry Sandwich", with mama and papa as the bread and you as the filling. I'm SORRY that it has taken us so long from the time that we committed to bringing you into our family, that you literally could not wait that long. I'm SORRY you won't know Noodle the Doodle (our dog) licking you, or waiting for you to throw the ball so she could go get it. I'm SORRY you won't ever hear your new name, lovingly picked just for you, debated over and over again by all members of the family. I'm SORRY you won't be here for our fantastically overstimulating family Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4th of July, and birthday parties, with many aunts and uncles and cousins. I'm SORRY you spent so many days cold, hungry, alone in a crib, without a mother's love and attention.

My dear, darling Jacob/Henry, I rejoice that you are now at peace, and I pray that Our Blessed Mother gathers you into her arms and you will then know what I have longed to give you, that I cannot now. Be free, Jacob/Henry. Run, jump, and play, eat, eat, and eat more until you have your fill, and know that your waiting is over! Now it is the rest of us that must endure the wait until we can see you in Heaven!

We all love you, son. And always will.

Love,
Mama